Various...

New since: 5-10-'97


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Did you hear about the woman who went fishing with 10 men? She came back with a red snapper!

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Question: "What two things in the air can get a woman pregnant?"
Answer: "Her feet!"

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Question: "Why did God create the orgasm?"
Answer: "So you'd know when to stop fucking!"

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What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping-tom?
The pick-pocket snatches watches!

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Question: "What are the worst three words you can hear when you're making love?"
Answer: "Honey, I'm home!"

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Woman goes into the drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have double D batteries?" He replies, "Yes, come this way (motions with his finger). She: "If I could come this way, (motions with her finger) I wouldn't need the double D batteries!"

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"Rich reminds me of a tampon -- because he's white and surrounded by pussy."

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"I object to all this sex on television. I mean -- I keep falling off."

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My girlfriend Barbara called and said "I want you to come over right away -- there's a new position I'd like to try with you." I went over there -- the position was filled!"

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"The reason I'm so popular with women is because of my personal guarantee of 3 screaming orgasms -- I don't know what she's gonna do, but I scream!"

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"Why is making love like being in a snowstorm?"
"Because you never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it's going to last."

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3 homeless guys awaken from sleeping on a grate. 1st Guy: I had a horrible nightmare that somebody was yanking on my crank all night long! 3rd Guy: I had the same nightmare! Middle Guy: Not me, I had a wonderful dream that I was skiing in the Swiss Alps!

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Question: "What's the worst thing about being an atheist?"
Answer: "Nobody to talk to when you're getting a blow job!"

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Question: What's the best form of birth control for people over 50?
Answer: Total nudity!

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A very inexperienced guy has a big date lined up Saturday night and he asks his friends what to do. As a lark, his friends tell him he should take the girl to a movie and buy some popcorn. Then when they get in the dark theatre, he should unzip his pants and place the woman's had on his erect member. He gets all excited. "Really, that's all there is to it?"
Saturday night comes and everything goes according to plan. But when the guy takes his date's hand to place her fingers around his member, she glares at him and says, "I have three words for you -- take me home!" The guy thinks to himself, "Oh boy, this is great! Now she wants me to come home with her!" He drives her home and lets her out of the car. On the way to the door of her house, the guy screams:, "I have two words for you -- LET GO!!!!!"

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Question: "Why is being a dick not all it's cracked up to be?"
Answer: "Because its owner beats him all the time.

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Question: "Why is being a dick not all it's cracked up to be?"
Answer: "First of all, you have a head, but no brains; there's a couple of nuts following you around all the time; your next door neighbor is an asshole; and your best friend is a cunt!"

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"What did the egg say to the boiling water?"
"You expect me to get hard in 3 minutes?, I just got laid this morning!!!

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Question: "Why are eggs so frustrated?"
Answer: "Because they only get laid once, they only get eaten once, and you've gotta boil them to get them hard.

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Son to Dad: "Dad, what's the difference between fantasy & reality?" Dad: "Well son, allow me to demonstrate." Dad to wife: "Honey, would you go to bed with a man for a million dollars?" Wife: "Yes." Dad asks daughter same. Daughter: "Yes." Dad to son: "See?" Son: "No, I don't see how that demonstrates the theory, Dad." Dad: "Well son, in fantasy, we'd have a couple million dollars -- in reality, what we have are a couple of whores in this house!"

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A couple who have been dating for a few weeks decide they will become intimate on a weekend trip to Williamsburg. Conversation as follows in the car on the way. She: "There's something I'd like to tell you before we make love. I have baby sized breasts and I'm very self-conscious about it." He: "Listen, honey -- I'm not worried or concerned about that. I'm much more interested in your mind and wonderful personality, than I am in just your body. I have a confession to make too. I have a baby sized penis."
They arrive in Williamsburg and check into the motel. As they begin to disrobe, he removes his pants and she looks at him incredulously. She: "Oh, my god!! -- you call THAT a baby sized penis?!?!" He: "Yeah -- eight pounds, 6 ounces, 14 inches."

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Question: What's the difference between spit and swallow?
Answer: about fourty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.

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Question: "What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?"
Answer: Hold onto your nuts, you're about to get a helluva blow job!"

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Question: What do Marilyn Chambers, Linda Lovelace, and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?
Answer:They've all been known to swallow sea men.

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Dale: "My wife is so tall!" "How tall is she?" Dale: "She's so tall -- I have to go UP on her!"

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If God hadn't meant pussy to be eaten, he wouldn't have made it look so much like a taco!

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Question: "Why is their a string on the end of a tampon?"
Answer: "So you can floss after you eat!"

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Question: What the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
Answer: One looks up the family tree, and the other looks up the family bush!

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On the way to his room, Billy sees Mom naked on her bed rubbing her body saying: I need a man, I need a man!! Again next day. Day after, Mom's in bed with a man who plugs away. Billy goes in his room, rubs his naked body: I need a bike, I need a bike!!

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A man walks into a brick wall with a rockhard erection. He broke his nose...

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Question: "What's the ultimate rejection?"
Answer: "When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep!"

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Question: "Did you hear about the midget who has 40 pound testicles?!
Yeah, the fuckin' guy is half nuts!!"

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Struggling comedian in the 50's named Peter Von Lesbian. Agent: "Listen kid, your're funny. I can get you a network sit-com if you change that name." PVL: "But it's my God given name." Agent convinces him to change. Today you know him as Dick Van Dyke!

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Question: "Why can't Miss Piggy ever count to 100?"
Answer: "Because every time she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!"

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My love life is so slow... the last time I was inside a woman -- it was the Statue Of Liberty!

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"My wife said she wanted to make love in the back seat of our car -- she wanted me to be driving!"

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Q: Who is the most popular guy in the nudist colony?
A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts all at the same time!

Q: Who is the most popular gal in the nudist colony?
A: The girl who can eat the last doughnut!!

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Q: How can you tell who is the blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

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1st Ovary to 2nd Ovary: "Did you order any furniture?" 2nd Ovary: "No, why?" 1st Ovary: "There's a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in!"

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Have you heard about the new girl in town? Her name is Virginia. The guys call her Virgin for short, but not for long.

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Did you hear about the couple who had a sado-masochistic relationship?
She would plead, "Beat me!" and he would say, "No!"

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Superman drunk, flys around, sees Wonder Woman sunbathing nude. Thinks: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, why not? She'll never know what hit her." He goes for it. W W: "Oh, my God! What was that? Invisible Man: I don't know, but my ass is sure sore!"

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2 teens on date. She: "I want you to give it to me." He: "Oh, no! -- my mom says that you women have teeth down there, and it'll bite my thing right off!" She: "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life! There's no teeth down there -- look, I'll show you (removes her pants) -- now do you see any teeth in there?" He looks all around, then says: "No, and it's no wonder with gums like that!!"

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Question: What has 300 feet and 7 teeth?
Answer: The front row of a Willie Nelson concert!

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The little girl looks up at her father and asks, "Daddy, what's the definition of a degenerate?"
Father: "Shut up and keep sucking!"

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Jesus Christ goes into the Holiday Inn, puts 3 nails on the counter and says, "I want to be put up for the night."

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse in divorce court. Judge: "Mickey, I can't grant you a divorce just because you said Minnie was silly." Mickey: "I didn't say she was silly, judge -- I said she was fuckin' Goofy!"

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"Newton was wrong -- there's no such thing as gravity -- the world sucks!"

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Question: What's the difference between a French Kiss and an Australian kiss?
Answer: They're almost identical, but the Australian kiss is down under!

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"New since: 5-10-97"

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A guy moves into an apartment complex. He's putting his name on his mailbox when he hears a door open in the hall. He glances towards the door and sees a gorgeous woman dressed only in a bathrobe come out. He tries not to look at her as she gets her mail, but she engages him in conversation. As they talk she turns to look down the hall and her robe opens slightly and he notices she is wearing only the robe. They talk a little more, and she says, "Shhh, I think I hear somebody coming. Could we continue this conversation in my apartment?" He agrees to this. As they talk in her apartment, she moves and her robe falls to the floor and he gets a good eyeful. She then says, "Now that you've had a good look, what do you think is the best part of my body?" He says, "Your ears." She replies, "My ears? Look at these breasts, look at this butt, look at my pussy. How can you say my ears?" He replied, "Remember in the hall when you said you heard somebody coming? That was me!"

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Q. What does Hillary Clinton do in the morning after she shaves her pussy?
A. She straightens his tie and sends him of to work.

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The President and Mrs. Clinton went to opening day of Baseball season. Suddenly, just at the start of the game, Bill threw Hillary onto the field. "No, no!" exclaimed the chief of staff, "You were supposed to throw out the first PITCH!"

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After saving for many years a bachelor finally is able to buy a small piece of land up in the hills of Arkansas where he will build a cabin. After months of building he is finally finished. As he sits on the front porch admiring his work he hears a noise in the bushes. An old smelly hillbilly emerges from the brush and speaks to him.
"Say there, 'been a'watchin' you build that cabin for quite a spell. Finally got'er finished, huh?"
"Um, yes. I think I'll like it here, too."
"SHORE ya will! In fact, now that you're finished, howzabout we throw you a little party?"
The man is skeptical, but asks "So, what will be happening at this party?"
"Well," the hillbilly replies, "There'll be a whole lot of drinkin', a whole lot of cussin', a whole lot of fightin', and a whole lot of fuckin'!"
"Hmmm, sounds ok. But what would one wear to this party?"
"What you got on is fine, seein' as how it's just going to be YOU and ME!"

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There are 3 guys sitting around a campfire. It's very late so they go to bed. The first guy wakes up and says
"I had the weirdest dream. I dreamed that someone was pulling on my dick."
The second says "That's funny, I had a dream someone was pulling on my dick too."
The third guy says " Well my dream beats both of yours. I had a dream that I went skiing."

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This guy was tired of fooling around with loose women, and so he decided he was going to settle down and get married. But he wanted to marry a virgin, so he came up with this little test. As soon as he would get the girl in his car, he would pull out his tool and ask her what it was. The first girl said"That's a dick", so he sent her back in the house and left. The next night he had a date with anoyher girl and he did the same thing. She too said "That's a dick", so he sent her back in the house. This went on for a while till one night when he got the girl to the car and ask her the question, she looked at it and said"I don't know". This, he decided, was the girl he was going to marry, so he put his tool away and they left for their date. After courting her a bit, he finally popped the question and she said Yes. As soon as they got to their honeymoon suite, he pulled out his tool and said" Honey, there's something I want you to know. This is a dick" She replied" No it isn't. A dick is much bigger than that and it's black!"

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There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

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A woman goes to the police station and complains that she has been raped by an English batsman. the policeman askes how she knew he was english. She replies, "Well, he wasn't in for very long"!!!!

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James knew his 15-year-old brother Danny was a virgin and he decided to get his hot girlfriend Amber to deflower the youngster gently. James took his brother and girlfriend to a nearby hotel and got two rooms.
He told Danny "look kid, I know you're nervous, but I'll be in the room next door, so if you have any questions, just call out and I'll help you."
So Amber took the anxious Danny into the hotel room and tried to get him to relax.
"I tell you what, Danny," she said. "Why don't you take a nice hot shower to get relaxed and when you're done I'll have one too and then we can get started." Danny agreed and entered the bathroom to begin showering.
But Danny took a long time and Amber soon, had to take a shit. She pounded on the locked door of the bathroom, but Danny couldn't hear her because of the running water. Finally, she could wait no longer. She had to take a dump in a shoebox in the closet and, after cleaning herself up with some tissue, she placed the shoebox near the bathroom door so she could dispose of it when Danny came out.
A few minutes later, Danny came out of the shower, looking a little less worried and Amber entered the bathroom to take her turn.
While Amber was showering, Danny decided to explore the room and soon found the shoebox full of shit.
He yelled "Goddamn, there's shit in here!"
Next door, his brother yelled back "turn her over!"

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Q. What did the carrot say to the vibrator?
A. What are you trembling for? She's going to eat ME!!!

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Q. What do condoms and Kodak have in common?
A. They both capture that magic moment.

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Stranded on a deserted island is Sharon Stone and a average everday guy. They had both been on a cruise ship that had sunk in a storm. The guy and Sharon exchange names and formalitys. The two build a hut on their new island paradise and adapt to a new casual life style. The guy and Sharon eventually get friendly and start having sex. For months this kind of life style persists. Pick bannanas, fuck, sleep, fuck, eat some more bannanas. After a couple of more months this guy starts walking around all depressed and he stops eating. Sharon is very worried and takes care of him.
"Why are you so upset?" Asks Sharon.
"Oh you wouldn't understand.." Replies the man.
This continues in till finally Sharon convinces him that she would do anything for him.
"Anything?" Asks the man.
"Yes, anything!" Promises Sharon.
The man gives her a list of things to do. He says for her to cut her hair really short and dress up like a man. He even tells her to draw a mustache on her face. Even though she thinks his requests are odd she does exactly what he says.
"O.K." says the man, "now go around this side of the island and I'll go around the other side and we'll meet in the middle."
She does as he says and starts walking. After a couple of hours Sharon see's him running around the other side of the island with his arms open. She starts running toward him.
They meet and he says...
"YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHO I'M FUCKING!!!"

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Q. What would you eat on bread but not on pussy?
A. Crust

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Q: Do you know what those tiny little knots are around a womans nipple?
A: It's brail for suck here...

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Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip-code on her thigh?
A: She wanted alot of male in her box...

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There was this guy that bought a new car and went out with 3 of his friends. They were speeding, so they got pulled over. The cop says "ok fellas, you look like a bunch of studs, if your dicks add up to 20 inches i'll let you go. The driver pull out his dick and it's 7 inches. The passenger pull his out and his is 6. The guy behind him yanks his out and measures 5 inches. The last guy pops his dick out and it measures 1 inch. The cop lets them go. As they were driving away the last guy says to the driver "Shit, lucky for you I popped a boner."

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A guy gets on an elevator with a deadly looking blonde and after going up a few floors he turns to her and says "Exuse me miss but can i smell your cunt?"
She looks at the guy horrified and says "Of course not!!", so he says "Sorry it must be your feet then !!!!"

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Q. Why do bald guys have holes in their pockets?
A. So they can run their fingers through their hair!

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A guy was taking his first parachute jump and his main chute failed to open. He remembered his training and jetisoned it and pulled his reserve chute. This became twisted and he was left hurtling downwards. Suddenly, he saw a guy coming up towards him so he shouted "Do you know anything about parachuting". The guy shouted "not a fucking thing, do you know anything about lighting gas BBQs".

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A woman puts an ad in the personals to find a man, it reads Looking for a man that won't hit me, run away, and is incredible in bed.
One night her doorbell rings, she opens the door to find a man with no arms and no legs. The man says he is answereing the ad. The woman said I don't think so, but the man said I have no arms to hit you, and no legs to run away. The woman asked how are you in bed? The man replied I rang the doorbell didn't I.

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Sheila and bruce have not been practising safe sex. While bruce never takes his socks off, he was disinclined to wear a condom. Now the poor girl discovers that she is pregnant and says " if you dont marry me im gonna jump off sydney harbour bridge." Bruces reply is a fond slap on the back. " your not only a great root your also a good sport."

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Q. What is the difference between pink and purple? A. Your grip.

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This bird said "Give me 12inches and make me bleed"! So, I fucked her four times and punched her in the nose!!

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Q: what is the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy? A: when you're driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole ahead of you

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Q. What's the difference between a light and a hard? A. You can go to sleep with a light on.

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Q. What's the difference between dark and hard? A. It stays dark all night.

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Jimmy came up to his father one day and asked for a car. His father said, "Jimmy once your dick reaches your asshole, you can have a car." Two years later, Jimmy told his dad that his dick was able to reach his asshole. His father turned to him and said, "Well then, Jimmy, go fuck yourself."

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Walking through an old town a young man approaches an elderly man.
"Excuse me, what do y'all do around here," the young fellow inquires
"Hunt and fuck," the old man replies briskly.
"What do you hunt," the young man asks.
"Something to fuck," the aged man answers.

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Q. Why does Santa have big balls? A. Because he only comes once a year!

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Q. Why don't KEN and BARBIE have kids? A. Because KEN Cums in a diferent BOX!

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